Empowerment

Getting Unstuck and Off the Couch

By Diana Gardner Robinson Leave a Comment

Sometimes we get stuck. Sometimes it feels as though there is no way we can get unstuck. But we can.

A while ago I had written about the spiritual practice of patience, of just waiting, and preparing, as one waits, for whatever is to come, known or unknown (and, truly, it is always unknown – but that is for another blog).

A reader rather indignantly responded,
“Oh yeah, and how does one get unstuck and off her couch to begin getting her self ready for whatever it may be that she is awaiting???”

Why are we stuck?

There are many reasons why one might be “stuck on the couch,” either literally or metaphorically. But to know how someone could go about getting themselves off the couch, one would need to know why they are ON the couch and unable to get off. If we find ourselves in this state of mind, perhaps we could ask ourselves some of these questions, and see which ones resonate.

Do we feel that getting off the couch and moving into action will be useless? That whatever we do, we are not capable of achieving anything worth achieving? When we get into this state of feeling that we can achieve nothing, it is very difficult to break out of the cycle. Among other things, I urge such folks, who are often coaching clients, to make a list of their achievements, and re-read it every day. To think carefully, to go back over time to any time when they were proud, when someone praised them, when you achieved something you were working on, even as a ten-year-old. You HAVE achieved. Be proud of that fact.

Other techniques include: to be determined about writing a gratitude journal every day, to find someone worse off than you who can benefit from your help, and/or to let people know that you need encouragement and are feeling down. This last can be very difficult, since society tends to teach us not to admit to being vulnerable. Yet people are usually more willing to respond warmly and give encouragement that we give them credit for. If you literally know no one to whom you can turn, find a way to widen your circle of friends. Network. Consider seeking a mentor or a coach.

Other questions: Have you given up on your dreams?
Do you no longer believe that they are worth having?
Do you have no dreams?

Try this trick. Make a list of everything you have ever wanted, or wanted to do. Start as far back as you can remember. Now go through that list and notice what there is on it that you would still like to do. Pick one that is realistic, and decide what you need to do to achieve it. Go for it. **

Another question: Have you allowed your body to get into the habit of not moving much?

Sometimes our bodies can get so lazy that we feel too tired to move off the couch. Many years ago a doctor, to whom I had complained of feeling tired all the time, told me, “Then you need to exercise more.” Even though exercise may tire us temporarily, in the long run (no pun intended) it invigorates us. It is also a powerful antidote to some. though not all, forms of depression.

While on the topic of depression, there may be therapeutic reasons that keep you on the couch. It may be that you are in a state of depression that calls for time to be spent talking with a counselor, in which case I urge you to find one. Depression can be a downward spiral from which some people cannot emerge without professional help (and no, going to a counselor is not the same thing as hiring a coach – as a general rule coaches are not licensed therapists, though a few are).

Assuming you are not so serious a “couch potato” as to need therapy, I suggest that you put together a schedule for yourself that includes most or all of the techniques I have suggested above… list your achievements and savor them, keep a daily gratitude journal of at least five items a day, examine your goals and pick one to work on, and schedule yourself to do some form of exercise (other than walking to the refrigerator!) several times a week. Commit to yourself that you will keep up these habits for a month. Do it.

Then, let me know how you feel.

And consider these words by Anais Nin:

“Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live.”

** If “Go for it” is intimidating, you might find help at How Dreams Become Goals

Diana

I hope you find this blog interesting, useful, or amusing, depending on its topic. One way to keep track of my posts is to subscribe to my newsletter (see form on the right), which will always contain a link to recent blogs. Or, of course, you could bookmark this page and keep checking back. Either way, I hope that my work makes your life easier and more balanced. To explore my offer of the gift of a 30-40 minute coaching session on whatever issue is a stumbling block for you, please contact me via my Contact page.

You are Someone Special too…

By Diana Gardner Robinson Leave a Comment

If you have someone special in your life with whom you know you want to spend the rest of your life, how do you treat them? Do you make sure that they know they can count on your? Do you spend quality time with them? Would they consider that to be quality time? Do you even put special times on your calendar so that more mundane events won’t get in the way? Make their well-being a high priority, encourage them to look after themselves, worry if they do not?

If you don’t, I suggest that you start.

AND, by the way, while all that does indeed hold good for anyone in your life who you truly care about, remember, too, that there is only one person with whom you KNOW you will spend the rest of your life, and that person is YOU. For any other individual, sadly, the unexpected may happen. Illness, accidents, changes of heart, all these can intrude on the most sincerely made togetherness plans. We hope not, but you are the only one that you know with total certainty that you are stuck with. Better make the best and the most of it.

How many things that you really enjoy doing, and have wanted to do, have you postponed in the last few months or more because you were too busy, or too tired, or decided to put the money elsewhere? If you are a person who always puts others first, Is there ever going to be a time when you put YOU first? Do you deserve to be always last on your list? The center of YOUR life needs to be you if you are to stay in balance. (Remember the oxygen mask analogy – if you don’t put yours on first, you may not be in a fit state to help anyone else with theirs.) Before you can give to others, you need to be healthy, happy, and to have your own needs met. What do you do to achieve and maintain this?

You ARE worth an appointment on your own calendar, not just to do routine maintenance like getting your hair cut, but for whatever lifts your spirits and brings a smile to your face. Perhaps a night at a concert, or a massage, a walk in the park or beside the river… whatever it is that you think of with a smile, or that you have always yearned to do. Do it! Do it for you! You ARE worth it.

Challenge – how about selecting at least two things every month that YOU want to do, that will help you to feel nurtured, or joyous and that, from now on, you will do, to make yourself feel well cared for? Try it! It does not need to be the same two things every month, but pick two, put them on the calendar and carry them out. And let me know…

Stay fabulous, stay balanced!

Diana

Is Your Help a Hand-up or a Hand-out?

By Diana Gardner Robinson 2 Comments

Hand-up or Hand-out?

Or, to put it another way ”What you do for me without me, you do to me.” Mahatma Gandhi

Gandhi had such a knack of saying a whole lot in very few words, and this is one example. It is a point that those of us in the self-help, personal growth and counseling fields need to take very seriously, but also applies to parents, teachers, and anyone who has skills that others need. It echoes, slightly more enigmatically, the old “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you teach him for the rest of his life.” Apart from my occasional rebellious question as to whether anyone ever considers whether to teach a woman to fish, each statement echoes the other.

Whether we are working with children, with those who are in need, or with people who do not have skills that we have mastered, most of us want to help people. We want to help people so that they can grow and become self-sufficient. Yet, all too often, the help that is given is a temporary fix rather than something that encourages growth. In fact, helping someone while they stand helplessly back and watch may well convey the message that they are helpless and need someone else to look after them. It can be unempowering. We want to provide stepping stones, but instead the message that they are helpless to help themselves may become a stumbling block.

People do not learn from watching nearly as well – if at all – as from doing. Of course it takes longer, and more effort, to tell someone how to do something, to guide their actions and give them feedback, than it does to do the darn thing ourselves! So, unfortunately, we tend to do for, rather than do with.

My neighbor is a brilliant “fix-it” person, and always willing to help. I have noticed that he “does it right.” He does what I, at five foot two inches, cannot do either for matters of height or of strength. When that is out of the way he hands things back to me and, if needed, tells me how to do it, but I have to be active in the process. When I installed a motion detector light over my garage door, part of what was needed was out of my reach. He promptly did what I could not, but then handed the tools back to me to continue the task. I’m not sure if I felt more empowered because I learned something, or because I had been an active part of the project rather than a helpless bystander. I think it was the latter.

Of course we have to have a balance. While I am saying that taking over and fixing everything can be un-empowering, on the other hand standing back and saying that people must do something for themselves when they are incapable of doing so is not helpful. Leaving me to install my own light over the garage door would not have helped me to grow a few more inches. I believe the balance lies right there – where the help offered is for what the individual cannot do, but that they are expected to participate as well.

Habitat for Humanity has that down pat, truly living out their slogan “A hand up not a hand out.” The organization organizes and leads, but the anticipated owners of the house must contribute many hours of work, under supervision where necessary and learning many skills as they go, in order to earn the right to move in.

I suspect that those of us who “do for” rather than “do with” may get a quiet charge of virtuosity when we consider how much we do for others – but then… are we doing it for them or for ourselves?

I also suspect that the one thing that people really need is to be empowered by our acknowledgement that they are capable of “doing with,” even if it only involves tightening a couple of screws, as with my garage light.

Do you do for? Or do you do with? If the former… would you consider bring your “helpees” on board, just a little? You will not be giving them less, but more.

I hope you find this blog interesting, useful, or amusing, depending on its topic. One way to keep track of my posts is to subscribe to my newsletter (see form on the right), which will always contain a note of recent blogs. Or, of course, you could bookmark this page and keep checking back. Either way, I hope that my work makes your life easier and more balanced. To explore my offer of the gift of a 30 minute coaching session on whatever issue is a stumbling block for you, please see my Contact page.

Diana