Unstress

Have too much stuff? Me too!

By Diana Gardner Robinson Leave a Comment

“Thing-itis” leads to too much stuff

I don’t know if “thing-itis” is a word, but I am using it as one. To me, it means being unable to resist buying or acquiring stuff, maybe just one more thing, over and over again. Another version is the inability to discard whatever does not at this time serve our needs, just in case it might be useful in the future. Thing-itis can result in an environment that is harmful to our experience of clear, open and uncluttered surroundings.

I come by my “thing-itis” honestly. “Things” were in perilously short supply when I was a child. As an illustration… I kept pet mice and used to sell their offspring to other kids in the village. One day – I was about nine or ten – I asked my mother for another mouse cage. Instead of making a trip to the pet store, which I had been my plan, she presented me with some wood scraps, some small strips of leather (that I eventually used as hinges), and the tools, nails etc that we kept in the garage. Yes, I built a very serviceable mouse cage, but I also learned that even the most unlikely bits and pieces may, at some time, be useful. Hence the difficulty in discarding all manner of oddments.

Now, as I prepare to downsize to a much smaller dwelling, I realize how much stuff we can do without, even as I hesitate to discard or donate any of it. I know that I am not alone in this. Yet at the same time almost every morning television show has adopted a regular segment in which gewgaws and “must have” fashion items are offered at such huge discounts that people accustomed to buying via TV (thankfully I am not one of them) must find it hugely difficult to resist buying “just one more” thing, i.e. more stuff, particularly when it is such a bargain.

In the Western world we have become a “stuff acquiring” society, slowly becoming an overwhelmed-by-stuff society. We assuage our consciences by donating unwanted stuff to charity so that thrift stores can sell them to more people who cannot resist acquiring…. more stuff.

One wise person I know believes in almost emptying one room at a time, leaving only the most basic pieces of furniture. She then returns one most favored item at a time, pausing, or even waiting a day or – before deciding whether to add another item. When she feels that the room looks just as it should, calm, balanced, and uncluttered, she dismisses the remainder of the items in order to maintain a room in which she feels serenity.

Some say that a cluttered environment leads to a cluttered mind. I suspect there is truth in that, just as there is serenity to be found in lack of clutter. (Did you know that some have suggested that the peace we experience from clear horizontal surfaces relates to an ancient enjoyment of open spaces back in our hunting and gathering days?)

It may not be easy, but I continue on my annoyingly slow uncluttering process and look forward to eventual results. It is a journey..

So… tell me… what do you have the most difficulty discarding, even when every horizontal surface is covered?

Diana

I hope you find this blog interesting, useful, or amusing, depending on its topic. One way to keep track of my posts is to subscribe to my newsletter (see form on the right), which will always contain a link to recent blogs. Or, of course, you could bookmark this page and keep checking back. Either way, I hope that my work makes your life easier and more balanced. To explore my offer of the gift of a 30-40 minute coaching session on whatever issue is a stumbling block for you, please contact me via my Contact page.

The Piece I Wrote just after 9/11/01 – that still holds true

By Diana Gardner Robinson Leave a Comment

TRAGEDIES

Tragedies change our lives. Need they change us, the people we truly are?

So much has already been written about the September 11 tragedies that I hesitate to write more, for it feels as though all has been said already. Yet I cannot ignore them, either.

We are overwhelmed with tragedies. Tragedy of the thousands of deaths, innocent people suddenly taken from their loved ones, children destined to grow up without the father, or the mother, or the sibling or other family member or friend who might have made all the difference in their lives. People who have lost those closest to them, people who, almost worst pain of all, still do not know…

Tragedy of symbols destroyed. Tragedy of life plans, work plans, lost. Of years of hard work, time, effort, dreams, tossed aside and ground into powder.

Tragedy of innocence lost, of people who lived in faith and calm who will now live with suspicion and fear.

Tragedy of contagious anger. The frustration and pain that most feel, but that, in some, is flowing over into hateful thoughts, vicious messages and actions. Suddenly the internet is more filled with anger and hostility, both toward individuals and toward peoples as a whole. Suddenly people who have lived relatively peacefully fear to shop at their local grocery store. Suddenly the terrorists are winning by undermining not brick and concrete, but how we are to each other.

We may assume that the terrorists had many goals, ncluding shock, pain, death, destruction. There is much about which most of us can do little or nothing, except pray, contribute where we can, offer a shoulder where it is needed. But about the anger and hate… there we CAN do something. We can refuse to hate. We can deal with our anger. We can come together in caring, rather than rant apart in rage. If you would deny the terrorists their ultimate goal, which may go far beyond the destruction of steel and concrete and flesh and bone, then refuse to hate. Refuse to let them change, in a negative direction, the way you respond to your fellow humans.

Have you ever been condemned by association? Assumed to be a certain way because of the company you kept, the clothes you wore, the friends you had? Ever been stereotyped, responded to in a certain way by people who did not know you at all? Simply because of how you looked, or where you or your ancestors were born? I have, and I know how deeply it wounds, by its very unfairness, and the feeling of helplessness that it engenders.

Even on the day of the tragedy, the mayor of the community in which I live found it necessary to plead for tolerance because the Islamic members of that community were already being harassed. Even before the tragedy, some internet messageboards were becoming hateful. Hate-ful. Full of hate. What does that say about those who are so consumed?

Our fury at the terrorists is, with full justification, multi-faceted, but much of it is about the killing of innocents, people with whom they could not have any quarrel, for they did not know them. When we turn that fury on people we do not know because of what they wear, how they worship, or where they or their parents were born, do we not begin to slide down the slippery slope toward a similarly heinous attitude?

How will we heal from these tragedies? Slowly, I think, but most definitely not by hating. Certainly the perpetrators must pay full penalty for their actions, but let not the innocent suffer with them. If we become like unto the perpetrators in our actions, and in our anger, then they win.

Whether it is the neighbor in your grocery store, or the families living near wherever the originator of these dark deeds may be, let us resolve to protect them as surely as we wish that our loved ones had been protected.

Where the perpetrators hoped to disrupt, let us keep moving forward with our lives wherever we can. Where they sought despair, let us hope. Where they attempted to sow hatred, let our love for the innocents of humanity grow ever stronger.

Diana Gardner Robinson

Steps towards Peace of Mind

By Diana Gardner Robinson 2 Comments

Peace of mind is not just something that comes to us when everything is going well. It is something that comes from a combination of many sources, and that can sustain us even when things are not going well. Even through tragedy. Ten things that contribute:

1. Reserves. Not necessarily the large reserves that we sometimes refer to in coaching (though those would be wonderful, too), but knowing that you are not going to run out of the minor things that can easily cause disruption in our lives, e.g. gas/petrol, postage stamps, toilet paper, essential food items.

2. Forgiveness. Know that you need not be full of anger, or nagging hostility, toward anyone, including yourself. Remember that we all do the best we can with what we believe we have. There are few people who harm others on purpose, though many do it through ignorance.

3. Acceptance… of self and of others. In the same vein, know that the only person about whom you have the right to make decisions is yourself. Others will be what they will be, depending on their own combination of circumstances, genetic inheritance and choices. For yourself, your choices are and always will be your own. Don’t berate yourself for your past, it is past. If you don’t care for it, make the decisions necessary to create a different future.

4. Clear conscience. Act always as though someone else who you respect will know what you do. If you would not want others to know that you did something, then don’t do it, for you (and quite likely someone or Someone else) WILL know.

5. Support. Know where you can turn for support, for a shoulder to cry on, and for other forms of help when you need it. Know your friends, keep your fences mended, and keep a list of agencies and institutions to which you can turn if you must. Never let pride stop you from requesting help when you need it.

6. Surroundings that you can enjoy. Your surroundings may not look like a magazine cover, but they can be kept sufficiently tidy, organized, and attractive that you feel pleasure as you look around you. We often think of surroundings as what we are aware of visually, but the other senses may be involved too. We may need music, or silence. We may choose to enjoy the scent of burning candles, or of baking, or of well polished furniture.

7. No undone have-tos, deadlines, overdue debts. These will diminish peace of mind every time. Decide on a schedule to get rid of them. If you have to call on someone to keep you on schedule with this, enlist a friend, a family member, or even a coach. Just knowing that you are making progress will enhance your peace of mind. Catching up on these things will do so even more.

8. Know that you are connected to Something. If you are religiously or spiritually inclined, then you already know this. Even if you believe there is nothing beyond us except nature and the earth, then at least you know there is that. Know that you ARE connected. Trust that connection, and know that you DO belong.

9. Know that you are at choice, not a victim. Recognize that in almost every situation, you DO have choices. If you feel you do not, look again, and see that what you have previously dismissed as lack of choice is actually a choice that certain alternatives are unacceptable, or that you had not seen them in the first place. Reconsider your options. Brainstorm with someone you trust.

10. Know that you can affect your world, that you need not be a pawn. Sometimes it is difficult to imagine that any one person can change the world. We certainly need to change ourselves before we can change anything else, and even then we do not have the right to change other people. Yet the changes that we make in our own behavior, our willingness to reach out and help, volunteer, to try to make the world a better place, CAN be far-reaching. If every person reading this list were to reach out… Imagine!

Things to do when your lifestyle is too chaotic

By Diana Gardner Robinson Leave a Comment

While you are thinking through these processes, do not let yourself become trapped in *either/or* thinking. Life rarely has to involve only A or B. Often there are Cs and Ds and even X, Y and Z. Often, too, there is a way to combine A and B or whichever. Be creative. Don’t worry about how it’s been done before, or about what people will say. It is what you will say, how you will live, and how you will feel, that are important.

1. Be clear with yourself that you are not settling for living like this forever, and that there is a way to change it. To say that you have no choice simply means that you are rejecting the choices that you do have. It may not yet be time to make decisions, but try to imagine every possible path you could take, even the ones you would probably reject, and see where each path would lead you.

2. Carefully and honestly examine your own contribution to the situation. Based on this, decide what lessons you need to learn so as to change the situation and not recreate it. Do not allow yourself to blame others for everything. They may have had a part, but you probably made some choices too. What were they?

3. Find a true support group. This does not mean a group of friends who will play “ain’t it awful” with you while you play the victim. It means people who will support you when you make wise decisions and give you honest and constructive feedback when you do not, and who will stand beside you regardless.

4. Whatever form this group takes, keep going regularly, speak honestly, listen to feedback without getting defensive. Remember that everyone is there to get help. When it is offered, accept it. When you are able, offer it.

5. Journal regularly about both feelings and events. If you have old journals, re-read them. Seek the patterns in yourself and your situation. Re-read objectively. What advice would you want to give to someone else who had written what you have written?

6. Examine your priorities. What is truly important to you? Is this where you are placing most of your time and energy?

7. Decide, thoughtfully, exactly what it is about your life that you don’t want. Be very precise here. Do not mistake the superficial symptom for the root cause. What is really happening that is causing you problems?

8. Consider what you have that you want to keep. Pause for a moment to express gratitude for it. How much of this would you lose by getting rid of what you don’t want? Is there a way to keep it and still get rid of the unwanted?

9. Carefully and in full and vivid detail, visualize yourself experiencing whatever it is that you do want. Try to imagine yourself experiencing it with all of your senses. Do not let any thought of not having it intrude. Know that, at some level, it is already yours.

10. By the time you have gone through this process you will know what you need to do. Calmly and firmly DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO. Do all of it. When you have done all that you can, don’t keep striving. Release your situation and trust whatever other forces are operating in the universe to operate. You will find your chaos subsiding and being replaced by calm.