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Work situations

Pigeon Holes & Stereotypes: They Hurt… Everyone!

By Diana Gardner Robinson Leave a Comment

Have you ever felt yourself pigeon-holed by someone else?

“Oh, you’re an introvert, you wouldn’t like that.” Or “That’s not the kind of thing you’d want to do.”

Have you ever worked really, really hard to change an aspect of yourself, and then found yourself at a family reunion, or a meeting with someone who has known you from way back when, where their memory of you as you used to be is so strong that it overwhelms any awareness of what you have worked long and  hard to become?

“You forget that I remember the real you.”

“You’ve always been that way, might as well accept it.”

Years of self-discipline and determination to change are ignored because of a memory from years ago.

Have you found yourself pigeon-holing others, just because? Pigeon-holing, by the way, is often, though not always, a more politically correct work-around-term to avoid admitting that what is really happening is stereotyping. As a person from England living in the US I find that folks often pigeon-hole (or stereotype) me according to what their perception of an English woman might be, even though I’ve lived in the US for more than half my life.

I know many people who feel that being pigeon-holed by others keeps them stuck, even though they have worked hard, often for years, to change whatever might have led to that perception. Others of course cannot change, nor would they want to, the basis for their being pigeon-holed. We cannot change our race, our age, our height, yet all can lead to pigeon-holing.

“He is tall, so he must have been on the basketball team in high school, must be a good athlete.”

“She is young, so she must not know much.”

“She is old, so she must not know much.”

And so on. When we pigeon-hole people we put them, in our thinking, into a box. Think of the derivation of the word. A pigeon-hole was once a small recess in which pigeons might nest. But then (and this is where our current meaning comes from), it came to mean one of those small slots in a desk into which people sorted paper or envelopes. This paper belongs here, that one there, and so on. Each piece of paper belongs in one specific slot and nowhere else. No matter that one paper might have references to the topic of half a dozen different slots – it belongs in one place only.

Diana is a coach so she belongs in the coach slot. Or she taught addiction counseling so she works with addiction. No matter that I am also a college instructor, a Toastmaster, a writer, a mother, an “off the boat” immigrant, or that I volunteer in support groups for the formerly incarcerated…. you get the drift.

We are all multi-dimensional, and pigeon-holing denies us that, just as it denies us the right to grow and change.

We are Hard-Wired

It is true that we are hard-wired to use information that we have learned in the past, and that hard-wiring does encourage stereotyping. Sadly, though, some stereotypes are not only based on what we have learned, either from parents, from personal experience, or from societal attitudes. They are also based on generalizations. Suzy was once bitten by a dog. Instead of fearing that dog, or perhaps dogs that look like the one that bit her, she is terrified of all dogs. She has generalized from one dog to all dogs. We may do the same in regard to people.

That may be based on personal experience, but other forms of generalization have no basis other than a general ambience in the society in which we grew up. Sexism, racism, age-ism (don’t get me started on any of those three), ability-ism are huge, and extremely harmful generalizations. Not only do they hurt those on the receiving end, but the person making generalizations may be harmed as well. The best candidate for the position that you urgently need to fill may be… fill in with any generalization as to what pigeon-hole does NOT fit your picture of the perfect candidate.

Setting the Right Tone

On that note, one of the most impressive television commercials I have seen in years involved a young African-American woman candidate for a job. She has just been interviewed by a white businessman in a most conservative business background. As I remember it, this is approximately how it ends…

“Well,” he says, “you are not what I have been looking for.” Long pause and her face falls, “But,” he adds with a smile, “you are exactly what we need.”

In acknowledging the stereotype (“not what I have been looking for”) he also tosses it aside, apparently seeing qualities in her that over-ride the superficial “job description” requirements and, instead fit the real needs of his organization.

If only there were more employers like that.

An “un-stereotyping” suggestion

Sometime back a log-time correspondent, Cathy, made a suggestion about un-pigeon-holing. She was referring to an incident where one of her friends (A), in distress over a current situation, had tried to talk with friend B, but had heard back only the feedback about what friend B had pigeon-holed her as having been early on in their twenty-year friendship. Having turned to a friend for support, as we are all told to do in times of stress, she felt totally unheard. Instead of being comforted, she felt worse than before. Fortunately, she turned to Cathy.

Cathy, thoughtful as ever, made a suggestion that I thought should be shared far beyond the confines of that email list, and with her permission I share it with you. She wrote:

“They have known each other for 20 years. That seems like such a long time to be kept in the pigeon hole of someone else’s memory. So, wanting to comfort my friend, I said,

”Well, I decree that tomorrow is ‘Pigeon to butterfly’ day. I decree that every third 18th of the month is Pigeon to Butterfly day. It is the day given us to let go all the ‘definitions’ we have built of people in our lives. We have kept them for so long that we have forgotten the whys and remember only the hole we keep another human being in, in our own minds.”

‘So, if my math is correct, that means that four times a year, if we think of it, we can revise our list of names of people in our mental pigeon hole gallery, and set them free of our preconceptions.

‘So, I guess my goal is to empty my gallery.’

“The butterfly has long been a symbol of transformation. Just as the caterpillar goes through a metamorphosis and eventually emerges from its chrysalis, so we often change our selves and become something very different from what or who we were “back in the day.” We know who we have become, and want to be seen as that. We would not dream of categorizing a butterfly, light and beautiful, as a caterpillar just because that is what it used to be. Why, then, do we turn a blind eye to the progress that the people around us make as they struggle to change and grow?”

Cathy designated the 18th of every third month as Pigeon to Butterfly day – a day when we can resolutely discard the remnants of the pigeon-holes into which we used to try to squeeze those around us. On that day we and they can take on – and henceforth be seen as owning – the attributes of the brilliant and beautiful butterfly.

My only suggestion is that, although we might focus on it on those special “Pigeon to Butterfly days,” we might even endeavor to avoid pigeon-holing our friends and colleagues more frequently than just four time a year. Each of them has butterfly potential. Let us focus on that, and on the progress that they and we are making toward it. Let us do that each and every day!

Be well, be happy, look ahead but never forget to find joy in today,

DianaR

PLEASE! Any re-use of this material should include the words

“Copyright Diana Robinson 2018.”

Does your next step up have a downside?

By Diana Gardner Robinson Leave a Comment

It is much easier for most of us to keep our balance on a flat surface than on a slope but we don’t get to climb that way. Today I am not writing about fear of falling physically but about the need to be aware of the slippery slopes that we may encounter when we are trying to make positive changes via small steps along upward slopes.

I know that many of my readers are entrepreneurs, for whom slopes, both up and down, are almost the norm. However, unless we are on a plateau, which is rarely desirable for any length of time, most of us, entrepreneurs or not, are on slopes one way or another, particularly those of us who are developing – or changing – some aspect of our lives.

A major problem can arise when we decide to do “more of” in one area of life because, given that we all have the same 24 hours in a day, doing more usually involves doing less of something else. That in itself involves a balancing act. The more shallow the slope – and so the smaller the change – the less likely it is that we will even consider the effect of the “less” as we glory in the positive aspects of the “more.” However, small positive changes often become incremental – both the “more of” and the “less of.”

(This is the beginning of my most recent newsletter, “Work in Progress (Because we all are!),” If you would like to receive this issue in its entirety, please subscribe at the “envelope and pencil” form to the right of this page.)

Diana

 

I hope you find this blog interesting, useful, or amusing, depending on its topic. One way to keep track of my posts is to subscribe to my newsletter (see form on the right), which will always contain a link to recent blogs. Or, of course, you could bookmark this page and keep checking back. Either way, I hope that my work makes your life easier and more balanced. To  explore my offer of the gift of a 30-40 minute coaching session on whatever issue is a stumbling block for you, please contact me via my Contact page.

Presentation terrors… The missing thumb drive…

By Diana Gardner Robinson Leave a Comment

Have you ever headed out to do a presentation using slides, knowing that you just made a last minute adjustment to them and, as you arrived at your destination, realized that… Oh horrors… you left the thumb drive in the desktop on which you were working? I have seen it happen, and I have a bit of a horror of having it happen to me.

Of course, if you have the program on your handy laptop, that is not a problem, but in some cases the equipment at your presentation location requires a thumb drive. It may be that even having your presentation in the cloud does not help. The hustle and bustle of preparations for an event, or the urgency of other people who need the equipment for their presentations  immediately before or after you can make access impossible. So, hoping to avoid the panic-making experience of giving a presentation without slides, when it actually depends on the slides for its effect, I have developed a very simple system…

My solution to have two thumb drives, A and B. When preparing a presentation, if I make an update on one, say A, I immediately take it out, put it with my presentation equipment, put B to the computer’s USB and save the new version to B as well. Now I have my presentation on both thumb drives, and one of them is with the bits and pieces that I know I will remember to take with me.

If I make another change, I just rinse and repeat… save it to B, put that with  my gear, return A to the computer and immediately save the updated version onto it also. I repeat the process as many times as I make major changes to whatever project is involved. Yes, it is slightly tedious, but it is also very valuable insurance.

Following this process, no matter which thumb drive you might accidentally leave in the computer as you rush out heading for your presentation location, so long as you have your other gear, you have the most recent version of your presentation along with you.

Of course, if you leave EVERYTHING behind… I can’t help you.

To  explore my offer of the gift of a 30 minute coaching session on whatever issue is a stumbling block for you, please see my Contact page.

I hope you find this blog interesting, useful, or amusing, depending on its topic. One way to keep track of my posts is to subscribe to my newsletter (see form on the right), which will always contain a note of recent blogs. Or, of course, you could bookmark this page and keep checking back. Either way, I hope that my work makes your life easier and more balanced. 

Ways to Cope when You are Overwhelmed at Work

By Diana Gardner Robinson 2 Comments

In these days of downsizing, many workers are carrying a heavier work-load than they used to, and feeling overwhelmed by it. The more overwhelmed we feel, the less well are we likely to deal with the problem. Often we get into a state of mind in which we are convinced that nothing will help. At that point, stop, take a deep, slow breath, and commit to trying at least four of the potential solutions below even if you don’t think they apply to your situation – not all of them will. They largely fall into two categories – how you think about the situation, and how you deal with it.

1. Avoid getting into a victim stance. Once you start being a victim you adopt a role of helplessness in which you can do nothing to get yourself out. Remember, there is no knight in shining armor to rescue you. It is your situation, and you, more than anyone else, have responsibility for changing it.

2. Stay in the moment. Do not get caught in the trap of thinking about all the other things that will need doing when you finish what you are doing at that moment. We finish each task much more quickly and easily if we focus solely on it, instead of at the same time worrying about what else we need to do, about the situation in general, and about whose fault it all is.

3. Take time to list all the tasks on which you spend time and decide which ones are not essential. Your first impulse will be that every one of them is absolutely essential. Move past that to decide which tasks are not. There will probably be some that you decided to do because that was the ideal way to do it. Remember that every task serves an end result. In most work situations it is the result that must be achieved, not the process. The process can often be shortened without damage to the result.

4. Let go of control issues. How much of the pressure you are feeling really comes from outside, and how much is actually from you?

5. Delegate. Decide if there is anything that can be delegated, or that more fairly belongs to someone else’s work load. Do not just dump it on them, but discuss with those involved how work may be redistributed more fairly.

6. Come up with your own suggested solutions to the work-time crunch and take them to your boss. S/he will probably be delighted that you are producing, rather than asking for, ways to solve the problem.

7. Keep in mind that work loads are often cyclical. The fact that you are rushed off your feet this week does not mean the situation is permanent. What can you legitimately put aside to catch up on when things slow down a bit? (This is NOT the same thing as procrastinating.)

8. Take your breaks. Five minutes away from the work situation will do far more to clear your head and your attitude than the work you would achieve in that five minutes if you did not leave your desk. Lunch-breaks exist not just so that we can eat, but so that we may take a mental break. Put something in your office or work situation to remind you of pleasant things and take you out of your frantic mind-set. Read or listen to something that will inspire you or bring you peace.

9. When you leave work, leave your work behind. Find time when you can turn off the phone and do not let your work problems rent space in your head during the time when you are not supposed to be working. Some people find it even helps to develop a mental ritual, a metaphorical shaking of the dust from one’s feet, somewhere between leaving work and getting home. I know of one counselor who, as she drives across a bridge, mentally tells her clients good-bye. As she drives back the next morning she greets them again.

10. If you cannot find any way to change your situation, and continue to feel trapped, remind yourself that you chose this job. Remind yourself why. Has it now become something different from what it was when you were hired? Do you still choose it? Are you hanging with people who can discuss only the negatives? Could you start a mini-gratitude list relating only to things that happen, or exist, at work? Try to focus on the positives.

If none of this works, try updating your resume. Even in hard times, some people do find work and perhaps the universe is telling you it is time to stretch yourself and move on.

If you like this post, perhaps you may benefit from signing up for my ongoing newsletter, “Work in Progress (because we all are)” which focuses on the many different aspects of life balance and how to attain it. If so, please sign up in the box at the upper right of this page. If you have qualms about privacy, check my privacy policy link (below).

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