Because forgiveness is generally regarded as beneficial for both parties, there is often an implication that a perpetrator *should* be forgiven, that anyone who is an okay person should offer forgiveness if it is sought. Certainly, to be able to forgive is beneficial to the forgiver. However, within most religions there is a clear requirement for repentance on the part of the perpetrator as a precursor to forgiveness. Repentance does NOT just mean saying you are sorry. (And, unfortunately the *sorry* is often more about being caught than about regretting the original act.) Repentance also means communicating sincere regret and taking steps to be sure that you never repeat the action. If you feel you need forgiveness from another person, consider the following steps:

1. Take responsibility for the choices that led you to cause the pain (or harm).
Accept that, regardless of your reasons for doing whatever you did, it was your actions or words that caused pain for someone else. No excuses. 

2. Search your heart to be sure that it is the pain or harm caused to the other person that you regret, not just your experience of your own consequences for causing it.

3. Understand that, however much you want to explain, and however much the other person wants to know why, once they know, the hurt will not change.
Their feelings towards you may change, but don’t count on it. The hurt will still be the hurt. *Why* is very rarely a useful question, and explanations often sound painfully like self-serving rationalizations.

4. Decide what you need to do, how you need to change, to ensure that you do not ever again make that kind of choice, and so cause others more pain.
Make those changes in yourself. Until you have learned the lesson and sincerely attempted to make the changes it is unreasonable to expect that the human heart will truly be able to forgive you, and it is questionable as to whether it should.

5. Plan how you will communicate with the person(s) you have hurt.
Do you need to prepare them with a letter or a third-party communication? You need to let them know that they need no longer fear hurt from you. You also need to be absolutely sure that this is true. Do not just turn up on someone’s doorstep or confront them unexpectedly.

6. Be clear in your mind that, IF an apology is best for the person, you will make it without excuses and rationalizations.

7. Decide what could or should be done to make amends to the person(s) that you hurt.
This will be in addition to the apology, if one should be made.

8. Examine carefully whether making amends will indeed be helpful to the other person.
We are not considering your comfort here. To make amends might make you feel better but at the same time may re-open yet again the other person’s old wounds. You would do well to consult with another person, someone of wisdom, on this.

9. Make the apology, offer the amends, with no strings attached.
Forgiving you is NOT the same thing as returning to old situations and/or making it possible for you to repeat the behavior. Do not count on a return to a previous relationship as a part of the forgiveness.

10. If the individual wants no part of your apology or your making of amends, be prepared to accept this too.
If that hurts, do not turn the pain into anger against them. They may need more time to heal. Know then that you have done the best you can do, and plan on how you can use the process you have gone through for your own growth and the lessening of pain among other people.

How do you feel about coincidences?

Some people ignore them. Some see them as relating to some mysterious or divine force. Others seek a logical explanation. Some seek logical explanations so eagerly that they invent them, sometimes fairly wildly.

One of the satisfying things about many television programs, detective stories, and the like is that by the end of them, all the things that had seemed to be random and unrelated actually come together. They make sense, and we do like things that make sense, don’t we? Randomness is less welcome.It leaves us feeling uncertain of what may come next, or of what we should do. There are no signposts in randomness.

We use the label “coincidence” when something meaningful occurs and yet appears to be random. It has no apparent reason for happening. (Jung labelled meaningful coincidences “synchronicity,” which is defined as “the simultaneous occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.”)

Coincidence seems to be first cousin to randomness, and so when we encounter it we often try to find ways to explain it. One of the most common explanations is “It’s a small world,” words frequently spoken when, far from home, we encounter someone from our hometown or find that we have something else in common that we would not have expected. Those “small world” coincidences occur so frequently in my life that I even bought the domain name “ItReallyIsASmallWorld.com,” although I’ve not yet done anything with it.

Randomness is sufficiently scary that, when apparent coincidences occur, we tend to look for reasons. We expect there to be a pattern, a cause, and our brains are wired to look for them. Suppose, for example, that you were to do one of those memory word tests. Let us say that many words were presented in apparently random order and reordered and repeated several times. Suppose, too, that they include, for example, the words eggs, bacon, saucer, tree, timer, and lion, plus quite a few others.

Then, after many repetitions, you might be asked how many times you heard “eggs” immediately followed by “bacon,” and then how many times you heard “timer” followed by “lion.” Almost certainly you would have noticed the eggs/bacon combination, because it is familiar and it makes sense. Unless you are a vegetarian/vegan, the word “eggs” is frequently followed by “bacon.” On the other hand, unless you were very alert it is much less likely that you would have noticed the timer/lion combination because they don’t intuitively go together as a familiar pattern.

(Interestingly, if it was “lion” that came first, followed by “timer” you might have noticed it, and wryly wondered if the word “timer” was meant to be “tamer,” because there is logic to “lion tamer.” From then on, you would notice the combination. However, with “timer” coming first, your report of the number of times you heard the timer/lion combinations is likely to be that they did not occur nearly as often as eggs/bacon – even if, in fact, the two pairs appeared together an equal number of times.

Why do I care? Because we waste a lot of time looking for patterns that may or may not exist. Sometimes, however, coincidences just happen. Sometimes they can be amazingly fortuitous, and then the religious among us may throw out a “Thank you,” to whatever deity they follow. Indeed, perhaps there really is a are causation that we cannot see. There is saying, “Coincidence happens when God wants to remain anonymous.”  Sometimes,on the other hand, we do need to dig deeply to discover connections that may have been hidden and it may turn out to be fortunate that someone was alert enough to notice a pattern that needs to have attention paid to it. When to search and when accept “not knowing” is one of the enigmas of our lives.

The fact is that at times coincidence really is exactly that. For example, what did you think about the photo above? Did you struggle to figure out how the router is throwing its line of lights up onto the wall? How does that work? Sorry, it is not doing that. There is no causation between the two sets of lights, similar though they appear. It is a straightforward coincidence… of sorts. I have Venetian blinds over the window in my office. To accommodate the string that hold the slats together and controls them, each slat has a hole, and the holes are exactly in line, vertically. The sun’s shadow often throws a vertical line onto the wall, and one day I noticed they were precisely lined up above the router. Naturally, I grabbed my camera. The lights on the router and the pattern on the wall had no causal connection with each other. None at all.

Sometimes, seeking a connection between two apparently separate events makes sense. An earthquake may cause a tsunami many thousands of miles away, and there is a causal connection, although until modern times this may not have been recognized. Sometimes it is fun, and occasionally rewarding, to try to discover why coincidences happen. Often, though, it may be wiser to accept uncertainty than to spend time and energy seeking it for things that do not directly affect us. We have more important work to do…. Don’t we?

When family roles lead to problems

As regular readers know, one of my passions is that readers, clients, everyone, find a way to be truly themselves, truly who they really are, truly authentic.

One of the barriers to this, though, may be the family roles that we occupied as children. If one has taken on a role at a really young age, as often happens in families (particularly but not only in dysfunctional families), it is often difficult to disentangle what one has become in that role from what one really is, or wants to be.

When, as a coach, I ask someone who or what they wanted to be when they were young and “dreaming with shining eyes” (I don’t know why I love that phrase, but I do), most people can remember their early dreams, whether or not they have since discarded them. On the other hand, folks who learned to function in a family-assigned role at an early age may have no memory of dreaming to be anything different. The role they stepped into was the role that, in one way or another, kept them safe, brought them praise, or at least distinguished them from other, older (and therefore apparently more successful) siblings.

Family Roles

What do I mean by a family role? There are many, and not all families have all of them, obviously. They are most likely to appear in extremes in dysfunctional families where each role achieves a purpose, both for the child and for the rest of the family. Often the purpose is to cover up or distract from parental dysfunction. Here are a few of the best-known. Some of these may overlap; a child may take on more than one.

There is the hero child – the child who seeks to achieve, the one who makes his/her parents proud, the one who is boasted about and held up to all the others as a model who they should seek to emulate.

There is the peacemaker, who attempts to smooth out problems, to divert from confrontation, to apologize on behalf of others.

There is the wild child/scapegoat – the rule-breaker, sometimes described by parents as a “bad seed.” Often this child becomes the scapegoat for minor reasons, and is blamed for things s/he did not do. After a while there seems no reason NOT to be a rule breaker, since s/he gets accused of rule breaking anyway, and a downward spiral of behavior continues.

There is the jokester/mascot, who distracts by being funny, often appears hyperactive but may not be truly ADHD.

There is the lost child – the one who few people notice whether s/he is in the room or not. Quiet, often bookish, feeling as though s/he does not fit in, this child often feels as though everyone else matters more than s/he does.

There is the clever one. The pretty one. The plain one. The dumb one.

Not by choice

Often, there is little or no choice in the adoption of these roles. (I am not implying, however, that there is an aware, conscious choice on the part of most children. From the child’s viewpoint, the roles “just happen” and most are barely aware that they occupy them – at the time.) If you are born into a family where friends and relatives gather round to coo over how pretty one of your siblings is, then there is not much point in competing there. After all, if you were pretty, they’d coo over you, too, right? If someone else is often referred to as “the clever one” it quickly becomes obvious to you that this is not your niche, because if it were, they’d call you clever, also. And so on.

If, as a young child, you find that looking after the family. sometimes siblings, sometimes also dysfunctional parents, gains you praise and admiration from all and sundry, it is likely that you will continue to repeat the behavior and so grow into the “hero child” role simply because, in many cases, it feels like the only way to gain approval.

Exceptions

Obviously there are exceptions to the one-child-one niche concept. In some families two or more children will occupy the same niche, at least to outward appearances. Tennis divas the Williams sisters come immediately to mind, although perhaps those who know them well see things differently. Particularly in sports and in the entertainment fields, whole families may move into the same arena so that it is difficult for the outsider to perceive differences. Sometimes this is far from a matter of choice. I think of a family I used to know in which the oldest became interested in competitive swimming at a very young age. I have no way of knowing whether she was pointed in this direction by her parents or came upon it on her own. However, the demands of after-school practice and child-care for the two younger siblings could only be accommodated by their mother taking the younger children to the pool during the older girl’s practice times. So what were they going to do? Sit around doing nothing for hours at a time? Obviously they all became competitive swimmers, though whether they would have chosen this course had they had other options is not clear. So sometimes an older or particularly determined child cleaves a niche that all are subsequently required to occupy.

In many cases, particularly where there was dysfunction in a family (and where was there not?) a role and its accompanying behaviors may have become a means to surviving. Sometimes the chosen behaviors are the only thing the child knows that will gain approval, or, sometimes, avoid abuse. The behaviors were, at that time and in those circumstances, adaptive. This does not mean that these behaviors will continue to be adaptive when we are out in the real world, and here lies the problem. Unlearning behavior that we don’t even remember learning can be very difficult, particularly when it represents who we think we are.

An example: Some of you will know how strongly I feel about the need for codependent people to learn to change their thinking, and their behaviors, if they are to live happy and fulfilling lives. Those patterns were almost always established when the individual was young. Sometimes they come from a child being “parentified,” in which they play the role of parent to other siblings. This is a heavy burden indeed. Hero children are frequently parentified. A child who gets in trouble because his/her younger sibling falls down the stairs (assuming s/he did not push it!) soon learns that s/he is responsible for keeping the entire world on an even keel. This may be the tattle-tale who tells, not to get a perpetrator in trouble and not to prevent the perpetrator from getting in trouble, but because s/he “knows” that s/he has to stop people from breaking the rules. If s/he does not, the sky may fall. That is how it has always been. This is the person who flees confrontation and tries to save everyone else from negative consequence, no matter how richly deserved and no matter at what cost to self.

We’ve read of the clown whose heart is really breaking. I don’t know what the rate of suicide among comics and class cut-ups is, but I suspect it may be higher than average. How many of these people were the family “mascot,” the one who made jokes and kept self as the center of attention, consciously or unconsciously enabling the rest of the family to ignore whatever were the real problems in the family? Such behavior may be adaptive – in that environment. In the real world, as we grow up, things are different. Such abilities can lead to great external success – or not. To what extent it leads to internal serenity is another issue.

Who are you?

Who are you? Who have you always been? Is that role, the one you occupy now, a role that you really want to inhabit for the rest of your life? Is it the real you? Or does a part of you dream of being a “real you” that is totally different from who you seem to be today? Some counselors refer to the “hole in the soul” as the cause of much pain and, often, of addiction and other unhealthy behavior. I believe that this “hole” is frequently caused by our trying to occupy a niche that is not naturally ours. If this is the case, then there is indeed a hole. It is the niche that you were born to occupy, a niche that remains empty because circumstances led you to occupy another one.

Think about what you REALLY want to do and be. Consider whether there are other ways of being, ways of behaving, that appeal to you. How can you start to be that way?

Perhaps counseling would help – but for one reason or another, many people cannot or will not take that route. If that is not your need, or your choice, I recommend an intensive program of self-help, one way or another. Read. Find and talk with others in the same boat. Consider talking with a coach, though with the clear understanding that coaching is NOT therapy. Journal. Journal. Journal. Some may tell you to meditate. I agree, but don’t go overboard. Unless you have a good level of internal stability, long hours of meditation can be harmful, for it can allow internal chaos to filter to the surface. For an individual without close guidance, this can be disorienting at best. On the other hand, a few minutes a day spent stilling the mind cannot help but benefit most of us.

Understand that you may find yourself working against yourself. There is a tricky term that psychologists use – the “self concept.” It is what you believe you are, along with all the strengths and weakness that you BELIEVE you have. The self-concept is seductive. It leads us to do things, and to perceive things, that will support whatever it happens to be. People who believe that they are not very competent will focus on the things that they have done wrong in their lives, on their failures. They tend to assign any successes to “luck” or to downgrade their importance. To focus on success would be to run counter to that “incompetent” self-concept – and is therefore very difficult to do. Thus the child who grows up focusing on being “the pretty one – but not very smart” is likely to keep this focus even if she has a remarkable mind – unless she takes a firm hold of herself, gets support from the right sources, and embarks on a firm process of re-education.

As parents we are faced with a dilemma. We want to encourage a child to work with its strengths. The intellectually oriented child certainly needs encouragement. So does the athletic child, and the musical child. What I believe to be important, though, is that we not allow each of these niches to grow so that it either swallows the child, preventing it from becoming aware of other attributes, or keeps other sibling out because if A is the musical one then B needs to be something else. We need to remember that when one child is praised disproportionately for a particular attribute, other children will tend to assume that they do not have that attribute, since they are less praised for it. We may know that we should not over-burden children with responsibilities that will “parentify” them. Yet we do need to allow them to grow into responsibility, not hold them back and try to keep them as dependent on us so as to bolster our own feelings of self-worth as parents. Finding the right balance is rarely easy.

Hey, no one said that either being a parent. or becoming all that we ourselves can be, was easy! Yet both are well worth the effort.

Sometimes staying focused on our goals too intently and too long can narrow our viewpoint. We may forget about the world outside, the other people, and the new things and thoughts that we could be enjoying. Sometimes we can get lost in this effort to attain something that we think is a true-goal when, actually, it is a mere passing fancy. Somehow, we always need to make choices when it comes to goals, and the shiny objects can be hugely seductive… and disappointing

What is the difference between a goal and a true-goal? (I will admit to making up the term, as far as I know.)

A true-goal is what we are really trying to attain by focusing on our goals. It is what makes us happy in a deep, soul-fulfilling and long-lasting way. (Author Mike Dooley maintains, in his book Playing the Matrix, that the one true-goal is, quite simply, happiness.)

You want a fancy car? What will it give you that you don’t have with the old jalopy?  Envy from the neighbors? Admiration? Will that make you happy?  Fulfilled? Joyous? For how long? That, the fulfilling and joyous feelings that last, have staying power,are the true-goals, and bright shiny objects are rarely true-goals.

Think about the car – or the corner office – or whatever, may have been the goal that you believed would get you “there,” to that sweet spot of fulfillment and real happiness. Will it? Or will it leave you  asking sadly, and perhaps not for the first time, “Is that all there is?”

That, understanding what we really want underneath the surface, beneath all the superficial glitter, that is the question that can keep us happy and fulfilled. It does not leave us asking that sad, “Is that all there is?” question as we look back at all we had put into attaining something that was not, after all, a true-goal. When we realize it was just a fast fading, passing fancy it is too easy to fix our gaze on yet another shiny, and set ourselves for yet more discontent.

A true-goal often relates to your real purpose in life, whether you recognize it or not. It usually harms no one, and often benefits many, which is exactly why it makes you feel fulfilled and happy. That is the kind of happiness that lives deep in your heart, not the kind that comes with just having purchased the next shiny thing.

Don’t focus on the frosting on the cake, but on the nutrition below it. Not on the corner office but on the enhanced opportunities for good that being in that office will give you.

Chosen wisely, true-goals will benefit our world in one way or another, just as it will benefit you and yours. To figure out what our true-goal is we need to know ourselves with brutal honesty. Doing that is the first step toward knowing what our true-goal may be.

Choose wisely.

Diana

To learn more about choices, and choosing wisely, please explore this website, and subscribe to “Work in Progress (because we all are)”, my irregularly shared and non-sales-oriented newsletter – see top right on this and all other pages.