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Pigeon Holes & Stereotypes: They Hurt… Everyone!

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Have you ever felt yourself pigeon-holed by someone else?

“Oh, you’re an introvert, you wouldn’t like that.” Or “That’s not the kind of thing you’d want to do.”

Have you ever worked really, really hard to change an aspect of yourself, and then found yourself at a family reunion, or a meeting with someone who has known you from way back when, where their memory of you as you used to be is so strong that it overwhelms any awareness of what you have worked long and  hard to become?

“You forget that I remember the real you.”

“You’ve always been that way, might as well accept it.”

Years of self-discipline and determination to change are ignored because of a memory from years ago.

Have you found yourself pigeon-holing others, just because? Pigeon-holing, by the way, is often, though not always, a more politically correct work-around-term to avoid admitting that what is really happening is stereotyping. As a person from England living in the US I find that folks often pigeon-hole (or stereotype) me according to what their perception of an English woman might be, even though I’ve lived in the US for more than half my life.

I know many people who feel that being pigeon-holed by others keeps them stuck, even though they have worked hard, often for years, to change whatever might have led to that perception. Others of course cannot change, nor would they want to, the basis for their being pigeon-holed. We cannot change our race, our age, our height, yet all can lead to pigeon-holing.

“He is tall, so he must have been on the basketball team in high school, must be a good athlete.”

“She is young, so she must not know much.”

“She is old, so she must not know much.”

And so on. When we pigeon-hole people we put them, in our thinking, into a box. Think of the derivation of the word. A pigeon-hole was once a small recess in which pigeons might nest. But then (and this is where our current meaning comes from), it came to mean one of those small slots in a desk into which people sorted paper or envelopes. This paper belongs here, that one there, and so on. Each piece of paper belongs in one specific slot and nowhere else. No matter that one paper might have references to the topic of half a dozen different slots – it belongs in one place only.

Diana is a coach so she belongs in the coach slot. Or she taught addiction counseling so she works with addiction. No matter that I am also a college instructor, a Toastmaster, a writer, a mother, an “off the boat” immigrant, or that I volunteer in support groups for the formerly incarcerated…. you get the drift.

We are all multi-dimensional, and pigeon-holing denies us that, just as it denies us the right to grow and change.

We are Hard-Wired

It is true that we are hard-wired to use information that we have learned in the past, and that hard-wiring does encourage stereotyping. Sadly, though, some stereotypes are not only based on what we have learned, either from parents, from personal experience, or from societal attitudes. They are also based on generalizations. Suzy was once bitten by a dog. Instead of fearing that dog, or perhaps dogs that look like the one that bit her, she is terrified of all dogs. She has generalized from one dog to all dogs. We may do the same in regard to people.

That may be based on personal experience, but other forms of generalization have no basis other than a general ambience in the society in which we grew up. Sexism, racism, age-ism (don’t get me started on any of those three), ability-ism are huge, and extremely harmful generalizations. Not only do they hurt those on the receiving end, but the person making generalizations may be harmed as well. The best candidate for the position that you urgently need to fill may be… fill in with any generalization as to what pigeon-hole does NOT fit your picture of the perfect candidate.

Setting the Right Tone

On that note, one of the most impressive television commercials I have seen in years involved a young African-American woman candidate for a job. She has just been interviewed by a white businessman in a most conservative business background. As I remember it, this is approximately how it ends…

“Well,” he says, “you are not what I have been looking for.” Long pause and her face falls, “But,” he adds with a smile, “you are exactly what we need.”

In acknowledging the stereotype (“not what I have been looking for”) he also tosses it aside, apparently seeing qualities in her that over-ride the superficial “job description” requirements and, instead fit the real needs of his organization.

If only there were more employers like that.

An “un-stereotyping” suggestion

Sometime back a log-time correspondent, Cathy, made a suggestion about un-pigeon-holing. She was referring to an incident where one of her friends (A), in distress over a current situation, had tried to talk with friend B, but had heard back only the feedback about what friend B had pigeon-holed her as having been early on in their twenty-year friendship. Having turned to a friend for support, as we are all told to do in times of stress, she felt totally unheard. Instead of being comforted, she felt worse than before. Fortunately, she turned to Cathy.

Cathy, thoughtful as ever, made a suggestion that I thought should be shared far beyond the confines of that email list, and with her permission I share it with you. She wrote:

“They have known each other for 20 years. That seems like such a long time to be kept in the pigeon hole of someone else’s memory. So, wanting to comfort my friend, I said,

”Well, I decree that tomorrow is ‘Pigeon to butterfly’ day. I decree that every third 18th of the month is Pigeon to Butterfly day. It is the day given us to let go all the ‘definitions’ we have built of people in our lives. We have kept them for so long that we have forgotten the whys and remember only the hole we keep another human being in, in our own minds.”

‘So, if my math is correct, that means that four times a year, if we think of it, we can revise our list of names of people in our mental pigeon hole gallery, and set them free of our preconceptions.

‘So, I guess my goal is to empty my gallery.’

“The butterfly has long been a symbol of transformation. Just as the caterpillar goes through a metamorphosis and eventually emerges from its chrysalis, so we often change our selves and become something very different from what or who we were “back in the day.” We know who we have become, and want to be seen as that. We would not dream of categorizing a butterfly, light and beautiful, as a caterpillar just because that is what it used to be. Why, then, do we turn a blind eye to the progress that the people around us make as they struggle to change and grow?”

Cathy designated the 18th of every third month as Pigeon to Butterfly day – a day when we can resolutely discard the remnants of the pigeon-holes into which we used to try to squeeze those around us. On that day we and they can take on – and henceforth be seen as owning – the attributes of the brilliant and beautiful butterfly.

My only suggestion is that, although we might focus on it on those special “Pigeon to Butterfly days,” we might even endeavor to avoid pigeon-holing our friends and colleagues more frequently than just four time a year. Each of them has butterfly potential. Let us focus on that, and on the progress that they and we are making toward it. Let us do that each and every day!

Be well, be happy, look ahead but never forget to find joy in today,

DianaR

PLEASE! Any re-use of this material should include the words

“Copyright Diana Robinson 2018.”

Some thoughts for workshop presenters…

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Having been an active member of various Toastmasters International clubs for almost twenty years, I tend to notice presentation style when I am at workshops by experts on assorted topics. Experts in their topic they may be, but not all have become expert presenters. Frequently I love the information they provide. It is often useful to me in my business and I take careful notes. However, the way in which it is presented sometimes drives me nuts. Some suggestions that may help grow your connection with your audience…

1. Remember your entire audience. It is important that no one feel left out. If your audience is spread widely, either horizontally or vertically from where you are standing, this may be difficult. If many are active, you may not be able to answer questions from everyone. However, if you focus most of your responses on people in just one part of the room, or just one table, it will be noticed by those to whom you appear not to be paying attention. When seeking or responding to questions or comments, try to move your focus from one area to the next, and so cover the entire room.

2. The same thing applies to eye contact. Some speakers do not like to move toward the back of a room because it means they have their backs to some of the audience. Nonetheless, find a way to give those far-away people some attention. Those at the back – or to your far left or right – have as much right to learn from and connect with you as do those nearest to you, or those with whom you already have connections.

3. When questions are asked, repeat the gist of them before answering. It is quite likely that people far from the speaker will not have been able to hear them and so may not understand the context of your answer.

4. When a team is presenting, try not to interrupt your colleagues. It appears rude, and as though you think you are more important than those you are interrupting. Perhaps you are, but now is not the time to emphasize that.

5. Mostly for males, try not put your hands in your pockets, no matter how nervous you are. According to body language folk, this actually makes you look more nervous, unsure of yourself, and possibly unprepared – not the image that most presenters want to convey. (“Mostly for males” simply because females rarely – if ever – adopt the hands-in-pocket stance when presenting.)

6. While on the topic of gender differences, it is generally advised that men should button their jackets when standing before an audience, although not necessarily when sitting. I have seen it suggested as a sign of respect for the audience, but a more practical explanation can be found in Forbes Magazine’s “To button or not to button..”

7. Respect your audience’s time. If there is a time limit on the presentation, work to it. People in the audience may have scheduled appointments back-to-back with your presentation. To overstep the time limit is to imply that you think the knowledge you are imparting is more important that than other people’s time. Perhaps it is, but that is not for you to be the judge.

8. Be sure that the members of the audience know who you are and what organization you represent. I should probably have emphasized this at the beginning of this list. How can they get in touch with you? Most presenters provide a handout, or at least business cards. Some, however, do not. Perhaps they assume that everyone has heard of them, and is familiar with what they do. Unless you really are a nationally known figure, do not be that person. Before you finish, make sure that people in your audience know how to contact you if they wish to.

Should you expect your presentations to be perfect? Probably not but that does not mean you should not give them to the best of your ability. If you have useful information to share, then share it. Are my presentations perfect? Absolutely not! I’m still working on it, and I think I always will be. But I really hope that, next time I am asked to present, I will remember these points, regardless of the size and shape of the available space. And, of course, that the next time I am in the audience, they will all be covered.

Can just one word change how we communicate? Can we stop the lumping?

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Lumping?

“What, you may be wondering,” is “lumping?” And then, perhaps, “And if I don’t know what it means, how can I be doing it?”

The dictionary describes “lump,” when used as a verb, as meaning “to put in an indiscriminate mass or group; treat as alike without regard for particulars.”

There has been a lot of lumping lately – lumping of people by religious group, by nationality, by skin color. Think about it. Think about social media. About the way people talk when speaking of others not like them. So many of us tend to lump.

“Americans,” “white people,” “men,” “Muslims,” “Democrats,” “Tories,” “Socialists,” “black people,” “women,” “Christians,” “Republicans,” the list goes on and on and one part of our brains knows, when we use these terms, that they – whichever “they” it may be – do not all think alike, act alike, don’t even look that much alike. Yet we use the terms, over and over again. When we do this we make whatever group we are mentioning into “the other.” We add to the many splits that separate us from others on our rather small planet.

When we lump, we imply that what is true of some becomes true of all. When we write (or say) something about “women,” we are lumping all women together as though all were the same even though, if we pause to think, we know that this is not true. Unfortunately, when we lump we are usually expressing something negative. When we speak positively, it is usually to describe someone’s behavior as though it were exceptional – which it may well be. Sadly, when we describe groups of people, it is most frequently an attempt to portray them in a negative light, often based on some stereotype.

We also strengthen our own tendency to perceive the entire body of those people, in whichever group they may be, as being in alignment with that stereotype.

Is that how you really want to be? Does it fit with your self-concept of yourself as an independent, thinking, and compassionate human being?

 

A Solution – the Word “Some”

There is one little word, just four letters long, that can begin to change this sad tendency. One word can change our thinking and the way we communicate, so that we begin to perceive the world as a little less “good” and “bad.” One word combats the tendency to lump. Perhaps we should consider using it more often.
That word is so simple. It is “some.” “Some men…,” “Some women….”

It is a word that admits that not all of almost any group are… anything. We do not think alike, believe alike, vote alike, love alike, hate alike… if we have to hate at all, which seems unnecessary.

“Some” admits that when we generalize, there are exceptions to what we are saying.

“Some” admits that there is good among the bad and bad among the good. It admits that people are capable of thinking for themselves, of being independent of whatever we are concluding about that particular group of people.

Wouldn’t you want to know, when people speak negatively of whatever particular group you may belong to, that they allow for the fact that not everyone fits into their judgment? That they are not assuming that you fit their stereotype? That they allow that there are exceptions by preceding their generalization with the word “some”?

As a personal example, I know that I feel hurt when I read a post from a friend of mine who tends to politicize race and to refer only to the wrongs that Caucasians have committed upon African Americans. I know very well how much I wish that, rather than “whites,” those posts referred to “some whites.” They never do.

Don’t we all consider ourselves, and want to be considered by others, as exceptions to some judgments? Should we not allow that there are exceptions to our own judgments?

(Of course, I could rant against judging in any form, but it is sometimes difficult not to draw conclusions – hopefully based on facts – and what one person sees as a conclusion, is often seen by others as a judgment.)

So, for now, let us remember that there are exceptions to every rule and every stereotype, and let us begin to use the word “some” whenever we are generalizing about people or situations.

Let us say “no” to lumping by adding “some” to every generalization.

May your 2016 be the best year yet!

Diana

(This blog was originally published as an issue of my free newsletter, “Work in Progress (because we all are!).” I do not usually mix newsletter and blog. However, I think this topic is important enough to want to give it wider distribution, so I am also distributing it as a blog, available to all on my website. If you would like to subscribe to the newsletter (WIP), which is distributed approximately twice a month, please look to the right of this page for the sign-up form.)

 

I hope you find this blog interesting, useful, or amusing, depending on its topic. One way to keep track of my posts is to subscribe to my newsletter (see form on the right), which will always contain a link to recent blogs. Or, of course, you could bookmark this page and keep checking back. Either way, I hope that my work makes your life easier and more balanced. To explore my offer of the gift of a 30-40 minute coaching session on whatever issue is a stumbling block for you, please contact me via my Contact page.

Why my Website has no Snow

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We know, don’t we, that the www at the beginning of a website URL stands for the World Wide Web. That, my friends, is why my website has no snow, no Santa Claus, no Christmas holly. Some websites are aimed specifically at a relatively local or national audience. For them, holly, falling snow, Christmas music is fine. It is wonderful.  My site is not locally oriented. I understand that people around the world yearn for autonomy, and for the balance and confidence that can lead to it. I remember that the previous version of my newsletter reached more than forty countries.  It is the World Wide Web and I know, from correspondence, that it is visited by people who are scattered around the globe.

It is not as though I, personally, do not shovel snow in the winter – I do. It is not as though I, personally, do not celebrate Christmas. It is not as though I do not celebrate the return of the light as our days will grow gradually longer, first clearly apparent around the 25th – although even that is globe-limited.

I do not create a “Christmas” or “winter” themed website because I know that my site is visited by many people who are not in winter, people who will be cooking their Christmas dinner on the “barbie” and eating it on the beach, people who do not celebrate Christmas, people who are even, perhaps, celebrating that their daylight hours are growing a little shorter (for I am told that 24 hours of daylight is even more crazy-making than the shortness of days that lead to seasonal affective disorder).

We are taught, I hope, that we should not assume that other people want what we want, think as we think, or live as we live.

The home, the mall, the city square are all places for people who so choose to celebrate this festival of lights, this Christmas season, this turn of one year into the next. The home, the mall, and the city square reflect where some of us live, they represent a time and a season in which we may feel we belong (or, in some cases, not). On the other hand, let us remember that for many others, there are other sacred seasons, other times of year to shovel snow (or not), and other times of year when the night begins to close in and shorten our days.

We all live on a great (and yet tiny) planet. Let us remember and acknowledge those who are not like us as well as those who are our mirror image.

That is why it does not snow on my website.

Whatever your season, enjoy, and remember to love those who are not like you as well as those who are.

Diana

 

I hope you find this blog interesting, useful, or amusing, depending on its topic. One way to keep track of my posts is to subscribe to my newsletter (see form on the right), which will always contain a link to recent blogs. Or, of course, you could bookmark this page and keep checking back. Either way, I hope that my work makes your life easier and more balanced. To  explore my offer of the gift of a 30-40 minute coaching session on whatever issue is a stumbling block for you, please contact me via my Contact page.