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You are here: Home / Archives for Relationships

Relationships

Pigeon Holes & Stereotypes: They Hurt… Everyone!

By Diana Gardner Robinson Leave a Comment

Have you ever felt yourself pigeon-holed by someone else?

“Oh, you’re an introvert, you wouldn’t like that.” Or “That’s not the kind of thing you’d want to do.”

Have you ever worked really, really hard to change an aspect of yourself, and then found yourself at a family reunion, or a meeting with someone who has known you from way back when, where their memory of you as you used to be is so strong that it overwhelms any awareness of what you have worked long and  hard to become?

“You forget that I remember the real you.”

“You’ve always been that way, might as well accept it.”

Years of self-discipline and determination to change are ignored because of a memory from years ago.

Have you found yourself pigeon-holing others, just because? Pigeon-holing, by the way, is often, though not always, a more politically correct work-around-term to avoid admitting that what is really happening is stereotyping. As a person from England living in the US I find that folks often pigeon-hole (or stereotype) me according to what their perception of an English woman might be, even though I’ve lived in the US for more than half my life.

I know many people who feel that being pigeon-holed by others keeps them stuck, even though they have worked hard, often for years, to change whatever might have led to that perception. Others of course cannot change, nor would they want to, the basis for their being pigeon-holed. We cannot change our race, our age, our height, yet all can lead to pigeon-holing.

“He is tall, so he must have been on the basketball team in high school, must be a good athlete.”

“She is young, so she must not know much.”

“She is old, so she must not know much.”

And so on. When we pigeon-hole people we put them, in our thinking, into a box. Think of the derivation of the word. A pigeon-hole was once a small recess in which pigeons might nest. But then (and this is where our current meaning comes from), it came to mean one of those small slots in a desk into which people sorted paper or envelopes. This paper belongs here, that one there, and so on. Each piece of paper belongs in one specific slot and nowhere else. No matter that one paper might have references to the topic of half a dozen different slots – it belongs in one place only.

Diana is a coach so she belongs in the coach slot. Or she taught addiction counseling so she works with addiction. No matter that I am also a college instructor, a Toastmaster, a writer, a mother, an “off the boat” immigrant, or that I volunteer in support groups for the formerly incarcerated…. you get the drift.

We are all multi-dimensional, and pigeon-holing denies us that, just as it denies us the right to grow and change.

We are Hard-Wired

It is true that we are hard-wired to use information that we have learned in the past, and that hard-wiring does encourage stereotyping. Sadly, though, some stereotypes are not only based on what we have learned, either from parents, from personal experience, or from societal attitudes. They are also based on generalizations. Suzy was once bitten by a dog. Instead of fearing that dog, or perhaps dogs that look like the one that bit her, she is terrified of all dogs. She has generalized from one dog to all dogs. We may do the same in regard to people.

That may be based on personal experience, but other forms of generalization have no basis other than a general ambience in the society in which we grew up. Sexism, racism, age-ism (don’t get me started on any of those three), ability-ism are huge, and extremely harmful generalizations. Not only do they hurt those on the receiving end, but the person making generalizations may be harmed as well. The best candidate for the position that you urgently need to fill may be… fill in with any generalization as to what pigeon-hole does NOT fit your picture of the perfect candidate.

Setting the Right Tone

On that note, one of the most impressive television commercials I have seen in years involved a young African-American woman candidate for a job. She has just been interviewed by a white businessman in a most conservative business background. As I remember it, this is approximately how it ends…

“Well,” he says, “you are not what I have been looking for.” Long pause and her face falls, “But,” he adds with a smile, “you are exactly what we need.”

In acknowledging the stereotype (“not what I have been looking for”) he also tosses it aside, apparently seeing qualities in her that over-ride the superficial “job description” requirements and, instead fit the real needs of his organization.

If only there were more employers like that.

An “un-stereotyping” suggestion

Sometime back a log-time correspondent, Cathy, made a suggestion about un-pigeon-holing. She was referring to an incident where one of her friends (A), in distress over a current situation, had tried to talk with friend B, but had heard back only the feedback about what friend B had pigeon-holed her as having been early on in their twenty-year friendship. Having turned to a friend for support, as we are all told to do in times of stress, she felt totally unheard. Instead of being comforted, she felt worse than before. Fortunately, she turned to Cathy.

Cathy, thoughtful as ever, made a suggestion that I thought should be shared far beyond the confines of that email list, and with her permission I share it with you. She wrote:

“They have known each other for 20 years. That seems like such a long time to be kept in the pigeon hole of someone else’s memory. So, wanting to comfort my friend, I said,

”Well, I decree that tomorrow is ‘Pigeon to butterfly’ day. I decree that every third 18th of the month is Pigeon to Butterfly day. It is the day given us to let go all the ‘definitions’ we have built of people in our lives. We have kept them for so long that we have forgotten the whys and remember only the hole we keep another human being in, in our own minds.”

‘So, if my math is correct, that means that four times a year, if we think of it, we can revise our list of names of people in our mental pigeon hole gallery, and set them free of our preconceptions.

‘So, I guess my goal is to empty my gallery.’

“The butterfly has long been a symbol of transformation. Just as the caterpillar goes through a metamorphosis and eventually emerges from its chrysalis, so we often change our selves and become something very different from what or who we were “back in the day.” We know who we have become, and want to be seen as that. We would not dream of categorizing a butterfly, light and beautiful, as a caterpillar just because that is what it used to be. Why, then, do we turn a blind eye to the progress that the people around us make as they struggle to change and grow?”

Cathy designated the 18th of every third month as Pigeon to Butterfly day – a day when we can resolutely discard the remnants of the pigeon-holes into which we used to try to squeeze those around us. On that day we and they can take on – and henceforth be seen as owning – the attributes of the brilliant and beautiful butterfly.

My only suggestion is that, although we might focus on it on those special “Pigeon to Butterfly days,” we might even endeavor to avoid pigeon-holing our friends and colleagues more frequently than just four time a year. Each of them has butterfly potential. Let us focus on that, and on the progress that they and we are making toward it. Let us do that each and every day!

Be well, be happy, look ahead but never forget to find joy in today,

DianaR

PLEASE! Any re-use of this material should include the words

“Copyright Diana Robinson 2018.”

Coping when a relationship ends

By Diana Gardner Robinson Leave a Comment

Thoughts on Endings

The time just before and after a relationship ends can be especially painful times for many of us. Perhaps we are the “ender” – the ending is our choice. Perhaps we are the “endee” and we are shocked, devastated, and in deep emotional pain at the other person’s decision. Or, best case scenario, perhaps two wise and mature people have come to realize that the differences between them are so deep that they have no future together despite a loving past. Wherever we may be on the continuum of relationship endings, the end is rarely without pain of some sort. There are almost always “what if’s?”

More and more frequently I have found that people who seek me out as their coach have relationship issues. That may not be their initially stated reason, but eventually it surfaces. Some time ago I was corresponding with a client on this topic, and some words came to me. As I re-read them today it occurred to me that these words, plus additions that I made later, might be helpful to others today, even though they were originally written some years back. Naturally I have changed them to hide identities, and to make them more generally applicable.

My thoughts

Remember that you had good times in your life before you met this special person. This proves that you do not need that person in your life in order to enjoy yourself. Whatever happened, you have learned and grown while you have been in that special relationship, and that perhaps that growth was, in the grand scheme of your life, what was important.

Know that what will be, will be, and that sometimes we find the most peace by going with the flow. Perhaps the two of you will find that you can continue in a friendship, perhaps not. It could be that the two of you will find a way around the difficulties that seem to be driving you apart. On the other hand, perhaps it is time for your paths to diverge. Whichever way it goes, you cannot impose your will on someone else. It takes two to tango, and it takes two loving people who are willing to work hard at it to make a healthy and happy relationship.

Unfortunately, though, it takes more than love alone. Whatever the two hold most valuable must be compatible. They do not have to agree, but what makes one happy must not be what would make the other unhappy. If that compatibility cannot be achieved, then what is most important is that you continue to live your own life. More, that you life it in a way that is rich, fulfilling, and that furthers the growth that you have seen seeking, with or without the loved one.

Doors open, doors shut, doors open. It is the same with windows. Every ending is just one side of the coin – the other side is a beginning, for no active phase of our lives can end without another phase beginning.

You can do this!

Know that what matters most is that you be true to who you truly are, at your innermost core. To go into, or to stay in, a relationship that denies a part of who you are is to kill off a part of yourself. If a way can be found for you to be accepted fully, then that would be wonderful. However, always remember that you as your whole self are more valuable than any relationship can ever be. When you are not whole you cannot be wholly in a relationship, and that relationship therefore cannot be all that it needs to be for either of you.

Another view is that if you are not whole, then your partner is not partnered by a whole person, which is something that all of us deserve. Equally, you deserve to be a whole person, and not to deny yourself to suit somebody else.

An ending will hurt. That is inevitable. Yet it is the end of something. It is not the end of everything. You existed before, you laughed and were happy before. You can laugh and be happy again. Give it time.

Diana

I hope you find this blog interesting, useful, or amusing, depending on its topic. One way to keep track of my posts is to subscribe to my newsletter (see form on the right), which will always contain a link to my recent blogs. Or, of course, you could bookmark this page and keep checking back. Either way, I hope that my work makes your life easier and more balanced. To explore my offer of the gift of a 30-40 minute coaching session on whatever issue is a stumbling block for you, please see my Contact page.

Does race matter? To whom? To everyone!

By Diana Gardner Robinson Leave a Comment

“People who say that race is not important have not usually been mistreated/disrespected most of their lives because of their race. To say that race SHOULD NOT be important is one thing, and correct, but to recognize that for many people, race is a game-changer in terms of their life experience, that is reality. We should all be working for a time when race is not important in terms of life experience, but to deny the reality of many people’s current life experience – that in itself is disrespectful and illustrates the point.”  Diana Gardner Robinson

I posted this on Facebook a few days ago, based on the experiences of many of my friends. When I was teaching future addictions counselors, among the students who worried me most were those who claimed, innocently and often smugly, that they don’t “see” race. What we need to “see” is how people have been affected by life experience, and people of different races (as well as backgrounds, nationalities, even the decade of their childhood) may have had different experiences. THAT is what we should pay attention to. If a person’s experience leads them to see the world through “black eyes” or “as a black woman” then to ignore that person’s race is to disrespect her experience of life. To do that is to demonstrate white privilege in all its ugliness.

Unfortunately it may be difficult for those of us who have never been in a specific situation to “grok” what it is like for someone else. The fact that we can’t imagine it does mean that we have the right to try to overlay our own experience over theirs. The fact that I, originating from England, have been judged by some people of certain other nationalities does not mean that I know what it is to have been discriminated against, or at least to be aware that discrimination is a probability/possibility, all my life.

We need to learn to accept other people’s realities as real in their experience, and move on, and allow them, to move on in that reality.

I could probably rant for pages on this, but I’ll be merciful and leave it at that.

Diana

I hope you find this blog interesting, useful, or amusing, depending on its topic. One way to keep track of my posts is to subscribe to my newsletter (see form on the right), which will always contain a link to my recent blogs. Or, of course, you could bookmark this page and keep checking back. Either way, I hope that my work makes your life easier and more balanced. To explore my offer of the gift of a 30-40 minute coaching session on whatever issue is a stumbling block for you, please see my Contact page.

Respect – Should it be Earned, or the Default?

By Diana Gardner Robinson 1 Comment

A meme that floats through social media from time to time bothers the heck out of me.  “Respect is earned, not given” it says.

Think about that for a minute. How does the person you have just met, the person to whom you are introducing yourself, earn your respect in that first thirty seconds? Is it the case that during that thirty seconds you do not offer respect because it has not been earned? Does this not mean that immediate respect depends on outward appearances?  Can we accurately judge what kind of a person we are encountering?

How much respect would you have given – if you did not know his story – to that high-rolling, wealthy businessman named Bernie Madoff whose machinations ruined many honest and earnest investors? How much respect would you give to the sweaty, scruffy clothed, dirty-faced man who has just worked a double shift to keep the electricity flowing to your home after major storms – if you did not know his story?

Surely respect, for any living, breathing human being should be the default. Does not everyone deserve the benefit of the doubt until we know the story – if we ever do? How different would this make our lives? How different would it make the lives of those many people who society tends to assume are unworthy of respect?

I’m not talking unquestioning trust and adulation here. Just basic respect both in our behavior and, most importantly, in our thoughts.

Would that be too much to ask?

Diana

 

I hope you find this blog interesting, useful, or amusing, depending on its topic. One way to keep track of my posts is to subscribe to my newsletter (see form on the right), which will always contain a link to recent blogs. Or, of course, you could bookmark this page and keep checking back. Either way, I hope that my work makes your life easier and more balanced. To  explore my offer of the gift of a 30-40 minute coaching session on whatever issue is a stumbling block for you, please contact me via my Contact page.

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